I Swear I Know What I'm Doing
by The Lazy Bitch
Summary: Drabbles. Accepting requests. 1: Someone finally snaps and tells Karma to put his damn tongue to good use. Nagisa isn't complaining.
1. On the Subject of Tongues

**This fandom needs more good fanfics. I literally can't find anything that's to my liking. :[**

**So yeah. This is my life, these are my choices. ._.**

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On the Subject of Tongues

Irina spared a sidelong glance at the horribly plane, forgettable woman next to her. In all honesty, she'd almost forgotten the analysis specialist was there at all.

"So?" she prompted.

"So what?" the temporary not-really-a-teacher brought in to better-understand the amateur assassins responded, eyes still fixed on the P.E. class. Her level of focus (read: obsession) was admirable, at least.

Rolling her eyes, the blond elaborated. "What do you think of them?"

A moment's delay.

"The redhead and cute bluenette want it so bad I can just _smell_ the sexual tension. Like, no lie; those boys need to get laid ASAP."

A pregnant silence.

The canon character blinked owlishly. "What."

"Tease them about it when the opportunity arises. Trust me. I'm _always_ right about these kinds of things. _Always_."

"O…k?"

Interesting. She'd have to watch out for any hints a sane person could find credible.

* * *

><p>Irina froze, twitching slightly. The chalk broke in her death-grip.<p>

In one quick motion, the femme fatal spun around and pointed accusingly at the little smartass known as Akabane Karma, seemingly ready to bark a retaliation to his latest snarky remark.

Her words apparently died in her mouth, however, as soon as she locked in on the lower half of his face, an idea striking her. She smiled a sickeningly sweet smile, arm lowering.

"Karma-kun," she cooed in a deceptively motherly voice. "If you're so fond of letting your tongue loll out, why don't you make good use of it and stick it down Nagisa-kun's throat like I'm sure all of us know you want to?"

The class stared, eyes wide, jaws slack and brains farting up a storm.

If anything, at least it shut the asshole up.

* * *

><p>"Irina-sensei?"<p>

The woman addressed looked up from her paperwork. "Yes?"

"Well… Erm…" The octopus thing – who had just entered the staffroom – fidgeted awkwardly. "I was just in the storage shed and Karma-kun and Nagisa-kun were there... and… eh… they were… sucking each other's face?"

Another pregnant silence.

"Huh." Once again, the blond blinked owlishly. "I guess he took my advice."

Maybe the analysis specialist's claims weren't complete BS after all.

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**I REGRET NOTHING**

**REVIEWS ARE LOVE**

**(I'll proofread tomorrow. Promise. Maybe.)**


	2. Goddammit, Karma

**O hai. (●°u°●) ****」**

**Ahh, I love you guys~ ~u~**

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Goddammit, Karma

It was the end of the day, and the class was packing up when Karma approached Nagisa.

"So, Nagisa-kun, you still up for…?" the redhead asked.

"Huh?" The shorter student blinked in slight confusion, then nodded, apparently remembering something. "Yeah. Do you really think it tastes as good as Bitch-sensei said it does, though?"

The other shrugged. "Only one way to find out, right? What's the worst that could happen?"

"I guess. Is anyone else coming, or just us?"

Karma grinned that infuriating tongue-out-of-mouth grin. "Just us."

And with that, the troll herded the done-packing bluenet out with an arm around the shoulders. The previous _would_ have been perfectly innocent, if not for the fact that Karma spared everyone a smug smirk on his way.

* * *

><p>"N-Nagisa-kun…?" Kayano stuttered to her friend the next day. "What exactly did you and Karma-kun <em>do<em>…?"

"Yesterday?"

She nodded.

"A confectionary store downtown got a shipping of foreign sweets the other day. Bitch-sensei said they're really good, so Karma-kun wanted to go see for himself."

All the poor girl could do was open and close her mouth, gaping like a fish.

Goddammit, Karma. You troll.

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**YES **

**MOAR PROMPTS**

**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA *Shot***


	3. Kayano's Life in a Nutshell

**I've found a blog for writing prompts. C:**

**I love it. ._.**

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Kayano's Life in a Nutshell

Three Class E students.

Two Class A students.

One living room.

Kayano didn't know what the higher ups were thinking with this inter-class project (or what she herself was thinking when she offered her house as the meeting place, for that matter).

She, Nagisa, Karma, and a pair of girls from Class A sat at the low table, not getting any work done. In fact, she was probably the only one even trying; Karma was flirting with Nagisa (Was she the only one who ever noticed that?), the first girl was staring at Nagisa with that look you get when you're trying to solve a particularly difficult puzzle, and the one with the huge boobies (BURN THE WITCH!) was deadpanning straight ahead.

"Guys, can we _please_ get started?" the greenette pleaded.

Boobies – apparently the only one to pay attention – turned her bland expression to our heroine. "There's no point in Class A students working with Class E students; you're not good enough. Eiko and I will do it on our own. You should be grateful."

"Wha-" Kayano felt a vein throb on her forehead. "Who the hell do you think you are, talking to us like that?"

"Nanai Kotori of Class 3-A, born November 9th, blood type C-"

Her hand reached for a gun that wasn't there. "That's not what I meant!"

Nanai opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Eiko slamming her hands down hard on the table and standing up.

"That's it, I'm done! I am so done! I can't figure it out!" she declared, throwing her hands up in defeat, then pointed at Nagisa dramatically. "Are you a boy or a girl?!"

The Class E students sent her an unimpressed look for her troubles.

"O-Oh my god, Eiko!" the big-boobed girl squeaked, snarky composure shattering into a million pieces as she pulled the brunette back down with more force than strictly necessary. "_You do not just ask people whether they're a boy or a girl_!"

"Somehow, I feel like that's something Koro-sensei would say." the greenette mused, cringing slightly.

When the hell did her life become an outdated chick flick?

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**I'LL STOP SHOEHORNING KARMA X NAGISA EVERYWHERE I PROMISE DON'T SHOOT *Shot anyway***

**P.S.: Virtual cookie for anyone who guesses where the reference is from.**

**P.P.S.: Karma x Nagisa needs a ship name. Internet, work your magic.**


	4. The World's Best Teddy Bear

**That reviewer who says he's totes not my brother?**

**Yeah. Totally my brother.**

**(Also, about the ship name: I'mma be going with Narm, like the trope. I find it funny. :D)**

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The World's Best Teddy Bear

It all started on either a Tuesday or Wednesday – which exactly, no one was sure. What _everyone_ was _certain_ of, however, was that it was all Koro-sensei's fault.

Karma was acting particularly pissy – 'bloodless menstruation', Irina called it – that week, and no one was getting anything good out of it. One break, the octopus had enough and all but _begged_ the only person the redhead listened to when he got like this to do something. Nagisa and Karma were nowhere to be found until the next lesson, but the taller boy seemed to be in a much better mood.

When asked, both classmates and teachers alike would be met with a shrug.

Meanwhile, Kayano quietly sulked about no one realizing Nagisa's best friend – which she was, dammit, no matter who tries to say it's Karma – would have all the answers.

Their loss.

* * *

><p>"Uh… um…" Okuda stuttered after pulling Kayano aside the next Monday during recess, not sure how to broach the subject.<p>

First, the greenette raised an eyebrow. It took her a few moments to draw comprehension, but when she did, she broke out into a (somewhat demented) grin and dragged the other girl further away from the school, a little ways into the forest.

She should have known Okuda would be the first to get the idea to ask her.

After around a minute, maybe a minute and a half, they reached a small clearing, stopping at the trees surrounding it.

Following her friend's example, the bespectacled student quietly watched, taking in the small, somewhat dull flowers scattered around, the soft-looking grass and-

She gave a small gasp, eyes widening.

On the other side of the clearing, leaning against a particularly big tree, sat Karma, hugging Nagisa, who was sitting one his lap. She wasn't sure if they were awake or asleep, but they were at least somewhere in between.

Wat.

Turning a questioning gaze to Kayano, she was met with a soft, somewhat teasing, _motherly_ smile. "Nagisa really is the world's best teddy bear. I speak from experience, y'know."

For some reason, Okuda couldn't help the smile spreading across her own face as they made their way back to the school.

She'd have to remember to ask Nagisa if she could hug him too, at least to get an idea of how huggable he really was.

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**Remember when I said I'd lay off with the Narm?**

**I lied. ._.**

**MOAR FLUFF 4 U *Shot***


	5. No One Wants to See You Naked

**I have a bit of a favor to ask of you guys: What chapters do I need to read to understand Itona and Gakushuu's characterization? I've been trying to get there by speed-reading the manga, but I've got nothing so far… |||OTL**

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No One Wants to See You Naked

Karasuma's eye twitched slightly as looked the class over, once again wishing Irina could have picked another day – _any _other day – to be sick. This was _her_ forte, not his.

He couldn't exactly trust the octopus to explain these certain human customs, however, so that didn't leave him with much of a choice.

Breathing out a sigh, he began.

"Has everyone here already received the Talk?"

The response was confusion. Makes sense, all things considered, but still a bit annoying. After a few moments, there were nods. He just hoped Ritsu and Itona really did have these things explained to them; it wasn't his job to make sure they knew the Talk didn't refer to ideal conversation, but it was always good to be informed.

"Good. That makes things easier." In all honesty, he was stalling. Could you really blame him, though? "Due to… recent development in relationships between students, I will be explaining what is and is not proper on school grounds."

The kids' gazes snapped to Karma and Nagisa (but his did not; he's a professional, dammit).

"Isn't our homeroom teacher's job to tell us stuff like that?" asked the redhead, ignoring the attention now focused on him much better than the bluenet. "And isn't this Bitch-sensei's field of interest?"

Karasuma kept a straight face, refusing to let his growing irritation show. "Your homeroom teacher doesn't have a good enough grasp of how normal humans go about these things. Irina has the flu." Seeing as the smartass looked satisfied with the answer, he continued with the… issue. "Hand-holding, hugs and chaste kisses are acceptable, but not encouraged. If you feel that you can't get through the school day without these actions, please keep it private. Anything going beyond the aforementioned will not be tolerated."

He tried not to think too much about how he could still sound completely up-tight even while telling preteens not to do the naked pretzel on school grounds.

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**Alternate chapter title: Cockblocking Preteens 101**


	6. Change and Consistency

**I feel like I should tell you that I'm on vacation, so updates'll be kinda weird for, like, the next half a year. Mom and Dad wanted to do some world-seeing, and I think it also has something to do with Dad's work. :^**

**But no one ever bothers to tell me anything, so I don't really know. ._.**

**(Also, I don't actually see Karma as the uke. I just found Narm a funny name. KarNag sounds better, though. c:)**

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Change and Consistency

Change was a scary thing; one second you knew something – _someone_ – and the next, you didn't.

And yet, the world changes all the time; whether it's the clouds moving in the sky, the wind's direction, or your relationship with someone, something – _someone_ – out there has changed.

Life itself is like that too; one moment you're alive, then next you're not.

Because of that, Maehara Hiroto wasn't afraid of change.

What was the point? It wasn't like he had any control over it, so why bother? Instead of freaking out, he just didn't get attached to things. He lived in the moment, enjoying the here and now as much as he could.

The girls he dated were akin to pets; you could give them away once they bored you, and they could run away if you weren't liked by them anymore.

That was how he lived his life.

Mostly.

First it was Isogai; he wasn't quite sure when or how, but the other boy had managed to worm his way into his heart and made a home in there. No matter how hard Maehara tried to cut the stupid chain called a 'bond' away, he just couldn't make it go away. Before he knew it, they were practically inseparable.

And for some reason, it made him happy to have something – _someone_ – constant in his life.

Next was the entirety of Class 3-E, except he actually knew when and how this time: It was when they went as far as they did just because some girl was cruel. It didn't make much sense to him, but…

He loved them for it.

And when Kayano notices how he and Isogai always stand closer to each other than strictly necessary – _Kayano always notices at some point_ – and does them the favor of pushing him the remaining distance, all he can do once everything is said and done is laugh because he knows – he _knows_ – that he'd found a place he won't be leaving.

He found a home in the E-as-in-End Class – in their assassination classroom.

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**I need more Maehara x Isogai in my life. :L**


	7. Define 'Sane'

**Kayano deserves more depth.**

**Sense most people either focus on the more fleshed-out characters or turn her into their pretty little Possession Sue, I've made it my mission to write her well.**

**Come at me, Bro. \._./**

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Define 'Sane'

Kayano believed lying to yourself to be counterproductive, so you wouldn't see her having trouble admitting that the students of the E-as-in-End Class were, for the most part, certifiably insane.

Almost every one of them had some kind of talent, some kind of specialty. They were born assassins.

Except for herself.

At first, second, third, and maybe also fourth glance, that'd seem like a bad thing. At the beginning, she would have even agreed (and informed you of how surreal it is to be the only one still freaking out about having to _kill your teacher_ by the second day). However, after around a month in the presence of the world's craziest humans (and octopus thing), she realized something:

She had a knack for noticing prime blackmail material.

Budding attraction? It's usually up to her to throw fuel on the fire.

Kanzaki's fascination with GL? Saw it coming from a mile away.

Okuda's status as a closet pervert? Took a while to realize, but obvious in hindsight.

Terasaka and his gang being a bronies? Hah!

…

… Ok, that one kind of surprised her, but she still found out about it! And all it took was a feather boa, a banana peel, and timing! She still gets credit for that, dammit!

…

… Ahem. Sorry about that.

Point is, she had dirt on budding murderers (who also happened to practically be her siblings).

And that, kids, is why no one messes with Kayano Kaede, the soul sane person in the whole of the E-as-in-End Class. Or the E-as-in-End Class in general.

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**And now I will sit here and wait for you to accept this headcanon. Don't fight it; accept it. Acceeeeeeeept iiiiiiiiiit… ~(._.)~**


	8. Out-Mom-ing Hiromi like a Boss

**When you guys give me a ship you want a drabble for, could you please also give me a prompt for it? Sometimes I have ideas, but sometimes I don't, and then it takes a while to write… |||OTL**

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Out-Mom-ing Hiromi like a Boss

Kayano's pencil dropped to her desk, eyes widening and mouth forming the shape of an 'o'. In one quick motion, her head snapped to stare at Karma as if he'd grown a second head.

"I finally get it!" she whisper-shouted (rather loudly), honestly feeling a bit stupid for not realizing it sooner.

"Kayano-san, is everything ok?" she vaguely heard Koro-sensei asking, but that didn't matter for the time being.

With all the speed of an amateur assassin, the greenette darted out of her chair, grabbed the redhead, and dragged him out of the class.

"We'll be back in a few minutes!" the somewhat-hysterical girl called over her shoulder.

Everyone else was too confused to do anything about it.

* * *

><p>"So what is it?" Karma asked, not the slightest bit unnerved. "Could it be… a <em>confession<em>?"

"Don't screw around! What I'm about to say is really serious!" she barked. Taking a deep breath, the girl began. "Karma-kun, I can tell you like Nagisa-kun, but if it's only because he's cute, or if you do anything to him without his consent, or if you hurt him in any way, shape or form, _I will cut off your dick, mix it into a pudding and feed it to you_. Nagisa's adorable and cute and kind and a precious baby and I'm practically his mom – make no mistake, I _will_ legally adopt him as soon as I can – so you better be good to him. Got it?"

The redhead only blinked a few times in confusion as Kayano took another, even deeper breath. (She gave that rant of epic proportions without taking a breathing break, y'know.)

Then, he grinned. He grinned that damn I've-got-this-all-figured-out-suckers grin.

"Why aren't you intimidated?!" demanded the greenette. "I threatened to castrate you! Aren't boys supposed to not want that?!"

"Why should I be afraid of something you won't have to do?"

It took a few moments for comprehension to dawn on her, but when it did, she gave a grin of her own.

"Good answer."

(Later, when asked about the ordeal, Karma would stick out his tongue and Kayano would grin like the cat that got the pudding.)

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**Kayano would make an awesome mom. She could out-mom Nagisa's biological mom anytime, anyplace. U.U**

**Reading the chapter with Nagisa's mom left a bad taste in my mouth, honestly. That lady needs to die ASAP. |||=_=**


	9. Personal Space is Dead, Kayano

**Kayano is somehow becoming my favorite character. **

**Send help.**

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Personal Space is Dead, Kayano

One thing Kayano may never know is why no one seems to give a rat's ass about personal space anymore.

Or at least why boys feel comfortable touching each other excessively in public.

At first, it was unsettling. The thought of people touching Nagisa – oh so adorable, uke-ish Nagisa, who she claimed as her unofficial baby at first sight because he was so freaking adorable, goddammit – funny without his consent made her angrier than big boobs ever will. That is no small feat, mind you.

But then, she started noticing… _variation_, for lack of a better term, in execution and purpose.

The chairman, Karma, and probably the chairman's son – though she couldn't be sure about the last one, since she hadn't seen much of him – all used physical contact as a means of intimidation. And honestly, it worked _damn_ well. They weren't particularly _rough_, but… cold? Impersonal? Creepy? … All of the above?

Isogai and Maehara's touchy-feely-ness, on the other hand, was reserved for the other. And very, _veeeery_ excessive. She could tell they weren't in a relationship because it was more awkward messages of 'I wanna touch you but I don't really know how or why' than confident 'I love you and want to kiss you' vibes. It was adorable, but kind of sad. (So naturally, it was her job to help them realize that they were awkwardly/pathetically courting each other and get them hooked up.)

Itona… Itona was a weird case. She thought it was intimidation in the beginning, but scrapped the train of thought after a better look at him; the boy was a hopeless perv like Koro-sensei, yes, but surprisingly (read: mind-bogglingly) innocent. Turns out, he doesn't even get that the naked pretzel is where babies come from. Added to his (lack of) social skills, she had to conclude that he just didn't know any better.

And then there was Karma with Nagisa.

He was too confident for awkward courting, which is what threw her off, but she still noticed it. Eventually.

It was a particularly hot day when the pieces of the puzzle that was Akabane Karma's feelings towards Shiota Nagisa finally clicked:

Karma was completely certain Nagisa was _his_, so he didn't feel weird about it.

(For those interested, that was also the day Kayano made a certain smartass promise to be good to her precious baby.)

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**Last Kayano-centric drabble for a while, I swear! *Shot***

**(For those wondering, yes, there will be drabbles for het and yuri ships. I'm just yet to get to those. |||OTL) **


	10. Umbrella

**VIVA LA PROMPT GENERATORS**

**I BOW DOWN TO THEE**

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Umbrella

Cleaning duty was something Hayami, in all honesty, enjoyed. It wasn't that she liked chores or was a clean freak or anything like that – it was just that going through the memorized, mechanical motions let her think.

It didn't hurt that she was paired with Chiba for it, but she wasn't about to admit it. She wasn't called Tsundere Sniper for nothing, y'know.

But I digress.

Point is, good things tended to happen during these times.

Like thunder storms.

"Do you want to ask Koro-sensei if he has one?" the female gun-user asked, grimacing slightly.

Chiba frowned at the (admittedly heavy) rain on the other side of the doorway. "He left early today because of a game in America, remember?"

She sighed. Of all the days to have forgotten his umbrella, it just HAD to be then… It seemed that there was no helping it.

Ignoring how her face reddened slightly, Hayami opened her own umbrella and took a step in his direction so that it covered them both. "I'll walk you home, but don't get the wrong idea. It's not like I like you or anything."

After a moment of confusion, he gave her a smile cuter than she was willing to say, his cheeks now also flushed. "Thanks."

Neither acknowledged their respective pink-ness growing a few shades darker when he put his hand on hers.

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**These guys are just so cute I caNNOT EVEN**

**I CANNOT**

**I HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO CAN**


	11. The Genderbender Chronicles

**Anybody got prompts for Kanzaki x Sugino and/or Kataoka x Okano? Or any ideas to help me get into the Karasuma x Irina fandom? Honestly, the end of the Assassination Island arc and the whole of the God of Death arc pretty much pissed on my parade when it comes to Karasuma x Irina. I even stopped liking Irina for a while (but the School Festival arc fixed that). :[**

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The Genderbender Chronicles

Akabane Karma had three very simple things he planned to do before graduation:

Kill Koro-sensei, put Asano Gakushuu in his place, and kiss Nagisa in front of that Yuji guy.

Why, you ask? Well, _obviously_, the first two were self-explanatory. (Preventing the end of the world and general dislike for fellow assholes respectively, for the denser members of the audience.) The third less so, but it made sense once you thought about it a little.

Put bluntly, it bothered the redhead that someone else had a thing for the bluenet. It wasn't like he was threatened or saw the other boy as a rival in love or something stupid like that – he wasn't some insecure pansy. (Karma was very good at understanding situations, in case you haven't noticed.) It just kind of bugged him, and showing Yuji how little of a chance he had would be satisfying.

The Yuji dude's crush was on F!Nagisa (Nagiko, if you will), not Nagisa, anyway, and people's crushes didn't even really matter to him in the first place.

(Except for how practically the entire class seemed to have a mild crush on Terasaka. He _will_ figure out how the hell that happened, dammit.)

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**You're not the only one confused, Karma. You're not the only one confused.**


	12. Why Karma Shouldn't Act Stupid

**SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG**

**I HAVE NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING**

**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-**

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Why Karma Shouldn't Act Stupid

Nagisa had to wonder how Karma could be so laid back after almost getting himself killed. It was almost comical how little he cared for his own life, honestly – what kind of madman asks someone out just minutes after jumping off a cliff, then talks and jokes on the way like nothing happened?

Akabane Karma, apparently.

The bluenet quietly watched him as they walked, only vaguely hearing his words. Eternally-amused golden eyes, vibrant red hair, teasing almost-smirk – this was how things should be.

So why did his mind's eye insist on showing those eyes unseeing, that hair stained with a deeper red, and that smile gone? Why did he keep thinking of stupid what-could've-beens and a mangled mess of a cold, dead body?

"Nagisa-kun?"

He winced at his name, then turned his gaze to a frowning redhead.

He hadn't realized he'd stopped walking.

If his mind was a little clearer, he would have smiled a smile that didn't reach his eyes and assured his friend that everything was fine – but it wasn't, so he let a bitter version of his default expression cross his face and moved forward before either of them could really understand what was going on.

"Nagi-?"

"Don't die."

He couldn't see Karma's expression, but if the arms wrapping around him to return the embrace were any indication, he was smiling softly – a rare expression he was guiltily proud no one else could draw out of the other.

"Who do you think I am? Of course I won't. Who'd be there to tell you not to worry so much if I was gone?"

Nagisa chuckled despite himself.

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**These dumbasses are gonna be the death of me. -/-**


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